A Life-Changing Loss
Three years ago, my brother passed away from a heart attack in his 40s—far too young. His death reshaped my world in ways I never imagined, and it all started with a dinner.
A few days after his passing, I went to have dinner at a restaurant, where that night I slept with a weird feeling, like being full but going almost up to my chest. I probably ate too much, so I didn’t give it any importance. However, the next evening, I noticed that this feeling wasn’t going away, and that’s when my brain made THE link. The link that would later rush me to the ER. How? Well, my brain linked it to my brother’s heart attack, and as a consequence, I started to panic. Panic led to palpitations, and that rushed me to the ER.
After two ER visits, countless blood tests, and a cardiologist appointment, I was sent home with a diagnosis of generalised anxiety and a prescription for pills. That marked the start of my journey.
The ER and a Misunderstood Question
During my first ER visit, I mentioned my brother’s recent heart attack, raising alarms. I’m in my 30s, fit—exercising regularly, not smoking—so an abnormal heart rate seemed strange. X-rays and blood work showed nothing wrong. The doctor even said, “Your blood results are better than mine!”
Later that night, a nurse asked if I had reflux; I said no, too overwhelmed by panic to understand (my head was too busy being anxious), and I was sent home moments later. The next day, the chest pressure continued, so I returned. More tests showed nothing, so I guess they figured this was clearly an episode of anxiety. Therefore, they sent a psychiatrist, who, after a brief and seemingly unempathic conversation, diagnosed generalised anxiety, leaving me feeling dismissed. I was lost, dealing with fear I didn’t understand.
Panic Attacks: The Uninvited Guest
Panic attacks soon became a regular occurrence, striking without warning and leaving me gasping for breath and terrified. Initially, I was unaware that they might be connected to my brother’s death, and I couldn’t pinpoint their triggers. Later, I uncovered something deeper that I was not aware was there, waiting to be acknowledged — probably for a long time.
Anxiety would then disrupt every aspect of my life:
At work, I would leave meetings in the middle to go outside for a walk. This was probably the first coping mechanism I developed to deal with them.
Sports: Exercise triggered panic attacks as my heart rate increased. I no longer felt safe doing sports, so I stopped for a while – luckily not for long.
Travel: Flights were terrifying in case I had a panic attack with no hospital nearby.
Hypochondria: I Googled every symptom, convinced that each ache could be a sign of something serious.
OCD: I obsessively checked locks, appliances and food expiration dates, and washed my hands multiple times.
These were all control behaviours, but the only thing they caused was a feeling of being out of control. I even tried monitoring my heart with my smartwatch. I would do this many times during the day and sometimes at night when I was struggling to sleep. Yet the more I tried to control my anxiety, the more it seemed to have control over me. This cycle pushed me to a turning point, where I realized I had to find a new way forward.
A Teacher in Disguise
This has been the hardest period of my life, but it has also taught me the most valuable lessons. Through trial and error, I learned to manage my anxiety and regain control of the one thing I was actually 100% in control of: my reaction. This broadened my perspective and enabled me to develop a different mindset towards anxiety and panic attacks. I learned to no longer see panic as the enemy or something to get rid of, but rather as a teacher and a tool guiding me towards growth. It revealed the fears, vulnerabilities and strengths that I had ignored, and helped me to build resilience step by step.
Join My Journey
Today, I’m truly grateful for all that I have learned and continue to learn from these experiences.
Through Unpanicked Self, I share my story, tools and mindset shifts in the hope of empowering you with the clarity and confidence to take control, lessen panic's grip and grow stronger.