Fear of dying. Fear that somebody I love might die. FEAR OF PANIC ATTACKS. Fear of having the next panic attack. Fear that a panic attack may kill me. Fear of UNKNOWN SENSATIONS in my body. Fear of eating something that might make me sick or kill me. Fear of going to the gym. Fear of doing sport because it would cause my heart rate to increase. Fear of not doing any sport and that that would make me sick. Fear of seeing my heart rate on my watch. Fear of not tracking my heart rate and that something might be wrong with it. Fear of becoming sick. Fear of saying this, fear of not doing that...

Do these sound familiar? These are some of the fears I experienced and that accompanied me (some still do) during that period of high anxiety and panic attacks. The list could actually go on; I could probably write a full post only on all the fears that arose back then. I still remember how badly I wanted to get rid of it—just like I wanted to get rid of anxiety and get rid of panic attacks.

I say “it” because although it has many forms and expresses itself in different ways, it is still that: fear.

How to overcome fear? How do we stop being afraid of ... ? All these tutorials, videos, podcasts provide us with answers for how we can finally get rid of fear. Looking back, not only at those difficult years but also in general at my life, I cannot help but wonder: if we, humans, did not need fear, why would we have it in the first place, and why would we want to get rid of it? Also, who is the one experiencing fear? Where is it coming from? When we look around, it’s not the building, that person, that color or that song. Its not the environment and its also nothing external —it’s coming from within.

Now, please don’t misunderstand me: some of these tutorials and videos are really good and bring a good message across. It’s just a genuine question, but I think I have the answer and it’s because we misunderstand fear.

Like anxiety, fear is actually the tool, and also the way out of fear itself. To be honest, even now I am sometimes not sure I am able to differentiate anxiety from fear itself, because anxiety is actually experiencing fear of the past—“What if they didn’t like me?”, “What if I didn’t get the job?”, “What if they misunderstood what I said?”—or fear of the future—“What if I don’t get the job?”, “What if I don’t pass the exam?” The consequence is experiencing an emotion linked to a trauma we didn’t resolve in time: “What if they don’t like me? What happened to me before so that I think people don’t like me? Was I bullied? Something in my family? How did that make me feel?” Or, “What if I don’t pass the exam? A teacher told me in school I would not be successful. What if he is right and I don’t pass the exam? How did that make me feel?”

Do you get it? How would we be able to get to the root cause of fear and address what is causing it without fear?

Let’s go back to some of my fears and break them down.

I actually talked about one of these in a previous post because it was one of the fears that challenged me the most, and I explained how I overcame it.

I was afraid of going to the gym because when I worked out, my heart rate would increase, and if my heart rate increased, I thought I would not be able to stop it and that I would die.

This fear went on for a couple of months and, in addition to that, another fear arose—but this time about the opposite: What if I don’t go to the gym or do any sport, and I get sick because of that, and I die? It’s a really strange cycle, and now that I think about it, dying was not even the biggest fear at all, but the possibility of experiencing the next panic attack—going through the process of one and not knowing when it would end.

Fortunately, fear was there. Fear showed me that by doing what made me afraid, I could free myself from it. When I stopped going to the gym because of fear, I decided to start going again. When I stopped in the middle of my workouts because I was afraid of getting a panic attack, I pushed myself to finish them—no matter how long they took. (I explain my gym anxiety here.)

Fear has been my life companion, and I am truly grateful for it. It has shown me, every single time, that whenever I listen to it and face it, it fulfils its job—and then it goes away. It is probably the reason why, unconsciously, I created it in the first place: expansion. Fear shows me that I am not my fears; it shows me the way to become stronger, grow resilient, and that on the other side, peace and pride await. Every single time.